Giving presents

If there is a serious drawback in me, it is my inability to think of apt or proper presents to give to people around. This was much highlighted a week ago, when I had to be present for a function organized for welcoming a new baby in a family. When I had discussed this issue of giving presents on this occasion with my wife earlier, my suggestions and choices were rather limited to clothes for proud grandparents and  a sort off pretty and lacy dress for the baby girl. As happens usually, my suggestions were immediately labeled as lacking depth of thought and dumped. I was much relieved when my wife took the responsibility of choosing the gift upon herself. She bought a beautiful embroidered bed cover as a gift for the grand parents and a pair of glittering tiny earrings for the baby girl. The gifts were really nice and suited the occasion and most important of all, perfectly fitted in our budget.

I have seen that unlike me, some people can always think of perfect gifts which fit in the budget. I think, I face a mental block, whenever I have to think of a present. Luckily for me, the new trend for the hosts is to request their guests not to bring any gifts, not even flowers. This really solves my perpetual difficulty. 

But I must tell you that life was never that simple in the past, as people hosting some or other functions expected presents from the guests and the guests also expected some kind of return gifts. In the end both used to feel unsatisfied and unhappy for having been cheated in this gift exchange.

This entire gift exchange racket however still continues for some events like birthdays of kids. The kids naturally expect gifts on their birthdays from everyone; their parents, grandparents and guests attending the birthday bash. They feel immensely overjoyed after receiving a toy or even a pencil set. The guest kids also are happy with any return gifts, erasers, pencils, key chains, chocolates. There is no unhappiness or feeling of cheating at all. This comes up  as one grows up.

Forty or fifty years ago, for events like marriages, every host expected that each and every guest would bring some kind of gift or at least give some cash in an envelope. I always preferred this cash route, because I could give exactly, what I could afford at that time. There used to be some highly popular common gift items like glass lemon sets ( a set consisting of a glass jug along with six glasses), small artifacts or figurines made from sandal wood. It was not uncommon to receive dozens of lemon sets and sandal wood items in a marriage. I remember a particular sandal wood artifact; an elephant pulling heaps of wooden logs chained together, so commonly presented, that every household would have at least one in their show case. Most of the gifts received would to be useless. It was therefore a common practice to store the gifts,  just as they were received; in wrapped condition, and then pass them off as gifts to someone else. It used to be just recycling of gifts. 

As per Indian traditions, in a marriage ceremony, near relatives of the bride and the groom are considered as “honoured” guests even today and it is expected that the other side would honour them with befitting gifts. If the gifts given by both sides do not compare well or not approved by these so called honourable guests, much heartburn and sourness is caused. Things have changed now as giving gifts to their near relatives is also now being handled by the bride's or groom's parents themselves, instead of expecting from the other side.

In case of poorer classes, this gift giving business was weirdly funny as they followed stricter protocol during marriage functions regarding gifts. I have seen and heard the gifts or cash received, along with name of the guest, being announced on a public address system at some marriage functions. Things would go haywire if some guest was found to have come without a gift as his name would be announced with a specific mention that he did not give any present to sort of humiliate him. 

May be because of this feeling of sourness amongst relatives and also the recycling trend, people were fed up and a trend started telling guests prior to marriage functions, not to bring any gifts. These days, at a marriage or any other function, we just go to meet the hosts, have dinner and come back. The changes obviously suit me, because I do not have to subject myself to horror of thinking or selecting presents.  But there are occasions like Marriages, engagements, birthdays within the family, where you can not avoid giving presents. It is here that the real problem starts because of the reciprocity expectations. I find myself at terrible loss here, because I never remember what someone had gifted me earlier and what I was expected to give now.

In western countries, I believe that there is a system under which a soon to marry couple or an expectant mother registers at a store, her needs. The people, who want to give gifts, choose things from this list, that fit in their budget. System is nice but I am doubtful, whether it would eliminate the heartburn caused by reciprocity expectations.

Some people, especially ladies, love shopping for things to be given as gifts, but it is not certain that the recipient would like them and chances are that the thing may just lie in the house catching dust or may be exchanged to someone else. The problem today is that most of things a person desires to have, are very expensive and no one can afford to give them as gifts. That is why I prefer to give cash as a gift, which the recipient may spend on anything that he/ she wants.

Giving presents is a pain in the neck, won't you agree?

18^th February 2015

Discipline, kids and the law

Few years back, when I was staying in US, I came to know from one of my friends there, about a strange but very thought provoking incident. This incident took place in the life of a senior citizen from India, who along with his wife had come to US for visiting his son and son's family and had planned to stay there for few months. His son had two children of a very awkward age, who were neither small kids nor teenagers. On this particular day, both parents of these children, being care free because of the presence of the grandparents in the house, had gone out for a day and were expected to return in the night. The grandparents usually lived in India on their own and were not much used to the din and commotion created by the children and found it hard to cope up. Since the parents were not home, the children had created considerable ruckus in the house. The poor granddad managed to bear with the rumpus for a long time but when the grandchildren started pushing and pulling him he got really peeved and irritated and gave a big slap to one of the grandchildren.

The children, who were raised in the US from their birth and who were trained there as per social norms prevalent in US, found it impossible to bear the fact that this rather unfamiliar old man, who had recently come to their house from India, physically assaulted them. As per training received by them, the children immediately called the police. Within 5 minutes the police came, found out what has happened and straight way handcuffed the old man and took him to police station leaving behind the grandmother and the grandchildren. When the parents returned home, they found out what had happened in their absence. However since it was night time, nothing much could be done. Next morning, after submission of required papers and completion of all formalities, grandfather was released from police custody. This middle class senior citizen from India, who had never committed even any traffic offense in India, was shell shocked and frustrated with his experience. He simply phoned his wife and told her to come to police station with his clothes, money and passport and when she arrived, left for the airport straight from the police station. He along with his wife, took the next available return flight to India.

I do not know the extent to which this story is true? Or how much spice has been added to it. But from my own experiences in US, the probability of it's occurrence appears to be quite on the high side.

Whenever I had an occasion to listen to any of the American (originally from India) parents trying to rebuke or lecture their kids for foolish behaviour or for creating commotion, I get a feeling of sympathy or pity growing inside me. These parents can not go beyond statements like “ We are not going to do that. O.K.” or “This is not proper, behave, O.K.” This word "O.K." is so loaded with feelings of extreme anger, frustration and bitterness that unless it is heard, it is very difficult to imagine the inbound feeling of helplessness in it. If a punishment is needed to be given to the kids, the severe most punishment is usually spending few minutes in the garage and which is popularly known as “Timeout”.

If anyone draws a conclusion from my dislike for the way in which American parents try to discipline their children that I am all for slapping or beating children, they would be totally off the target. Its a fact, that when I was a kid, I was hammered by some odd teacher or by my mother or father couple of times. But I find this physical violence method of disciplining children quite distasteful. I still quite remember the pain, anger and insult felt by me about 60 years ago, when a standby teacher had slapped my face.

An occasional slap given to a child is really a tip of an iceberg. Real social problem in India or any where in the world is about the violence and the cruelty shown to children. The stringent laws made in US are in reality for preventing this violence with children. I am on this subject today because recently I became aware that Government of India is planning to introduce a new law about violence and cruelty shown to children and also child abuse, which I consider as a good and necessary action. If this law comes into force, we are likely to face in India similar situation as in US. There is an old saying in English “ Spare the rod and spoil the child” The famous English author Charles Dickens has described very effectively the plight of small kids under heavy discipline of Victorian England in his famous novels like 'Oliver Twist' or 'David Copperfield' . Most of my readers must have read these books. It is said that after Dickens wrote these books, school reforms were pushed in England. In India, we have been lucky and never had these kind of schools bordering on cruelty.

This proposed law now stipulates that any harsh punishment given to children by schools, kindergartens or for that matter by parents and relatives would be a cognizable offense and children in India can complain to Police and eventually subject the schools or persons to a criminal suite. First such offense invites a fine of Rs. 5000 and one year jail term. Any subsequent offense by the same person would make him liable to a fine of Rs. 25000 and a jail term of 3 years. Presently guiding principles suggested by National Commission for Protection of Child Rights (NCPCR) are used as legal remedy for prevention of cruelty to children. Woman and child development ministry of the Government of India has now finalized a new legislative bill called as 'Prevention of offenses against child, bill. This bill when passed by the Indian Parliament would become the law of the land.

The bill describes in details what actions could be considered as harsh punishments or enforcement of any unlawful behaviour. Cruelty shown to children and any action of abuse to take sexual, economic, physical and social advantage at the cost of child would be liable for punishment under this law. Specific penal clauses are specified in this bill for forcing a child to beg or make them work or ask them to carry out dangerous domestic or outside work, would be offenses all and specific punishments have been prescribed in the bill. Criminal acts like sexual abuse, involving child in drug trafficking or making a child consume a narcotic substance, exhibiting pornographic materials to children would all invite life imprisonment punishments. Schools, kindergartens, relatives, neighbours, friends, day care centers and even jails and remand homes would come under the ambit of this law.

We do see even today in big cities of India, children begging or selling some stuff on the road junctions. In North India, poor children are commonly made to work in hazardous and polluted work places. The India society even today treats poor and destitute children in most inhumane manner. The new bill would be a good counter measure against such behaviour. Some of the parents or grandparents, still used to old ways, are likely to suffer in the initial periods. But largely such an act would definitely help in giving the kids a new deal. There appears to be no doubt about that.

15^th February 2014

The real super stars

Just imagine that you are entering your house after a long day, where nothing has gone in your way. You are in a totally frustrated and irritable mood. After you enter your house and find that the TV is on and whatever programme that is running on it, is generating shrieks, screams and loud villainous laughter. I am sure that almost all of us would be in a mood or would like to grab the TV remote and either switch off the TV or change the channel at least. But then if you just raise your eye sight and actually see what is happening on the idiot box, in an instant there would be a transformation as if someone has moved his magic wand. All your frustration and irritability would have gone by now. You would pause, wherever you are or sit down keeping the TV remote down and your face is changed. You are actually smiling or even wildly laughing. In this kind of transfer scene, the chances are high that you are now watching the pair of real super stars chasing each other, whom you must have sen hundreds of time before and probably in the same show. Even then you get engrossed in the show as if you are seeing it for the first time.

I am sure that by now you must have guessed correctly by above description of the superstars, who are they? To tell you the truth, I always think that in the history of entertainment, these two guys are the only two real super stars who have entertained us and have brought laughter and happiness in our lives for more than 70 long years. I doubt if any one else can ever replace them on TV or silver screen. They have been here for last seventy years and probably would go on for any foreseeable future. Since they appeared on silver screen seventy decades before, they have been bringing joy, fun and laughter in the lives of everyone starting from a 2 year old baby to old folks, well over their nineties and hard of hearing or even with failing eye sight. In a way I can say that these guys are almost immortal. You must have guessed by now that I am writing about the two all time greats, Tom the cat and Jerry the mouse. 

 

Tom and Jerry appeared on the silver screen for the first time in 1940. Two producers; William Hanna and Joseph Barbera, working for MGM studios in Hollywood, California, created these two cartoon characters. They were instant hits and became so popular that by 1959, their team had produced 114 cartoon films starring Tom and Jerry. After 1959, there were few films created in east Europe and also in Hollywood starring Tom and Jerry. By 2010, total 161 cartoon films were produced featuring these two guys.

Based on the subject of eternal fights between cat and mouse, these cartoon characters have individual personalities. Tom the cat, tries to defeat and catch Jerry the mouse with his larger strength and power, whereas Jerry, using his sharp brainpower, always manages to disrupt totally all the well laid plans set up by Tom to catch him. For their eternal fight they use any weapon starting from a stick to a field gun. In the course of the battle, they destroy the houses, dig open the roads or do almost anything. To beat the opponent they come out with most devilish schemes of great intrigue, which could easily win them a prize in a competition of being a top rated treacherous plot. Because of these wicked plots, all Tom and Jerry films show non stop violence. Many psychologists have objected to this violence. But I have never seen a child of whatever age, who has been afraid or scared after watching Tom and Jerry film. On the contrary, all children just relish and enjoy the violence of Tom and Jerry films. One of the reasons for this is that even a small child realizes easily that a Tom and Jerry film is a make believe world and has no connection with reality at all. So, they understand well that even the violence is phony and nothing to be afraid off. 

 

There are few more characters seen in Tom & Jerry films. First is the lady owner of Tom. We only see her legs and shoes in the films. Tom is always scared of her and whenever she appears, expressions on Tom's face speak volumes. In many of the films she kicks out Tom out of her house as a result of Jerry's antics. Another Bulldog called Spice or Killer is seen in some films. This doggy is perhaps the ultimate standard of being Idiotic. He is naturally the great enemy of Tom and Tom is shown trying to cheat him in many films. Jerry always tries to use the doggy to get rid of his principal enemy; Jerry.

To create an overall impact on the audience, these films have loud sounds and and back ground music. But Tom and Jerry never are shown actually speaking to each other. I remember that in some of the films, famous songs are sometimes used as background. Even if Tom and Jerry fight to the finish throughout the film, they are shown smiling to each other at the beginning. When ever any common enemy appears on the screen, they form a team and finish him off. In one of the films a wounded Tom is shown receiving first aid from Jerry.

I saw these two guys, when 16 mm films shown on portable projectors making a whining sound was the standard cinematic equipment. Now we can easily procure a DVD and watch the same film in the comfort of our house. Most of the Kiddy channels show these films almost daily. But the media makes no difference. I have enjoyed these films equally on those portable projectors as much I do in large display TV screen of today. The films have retained their flavour even after so many years.

My grand daughter aged four loves watching Tom and Jerry while being fed. If the duo is running about, the lunch time is over without usual hassles. But its a fact that whenever Tom and Jerry make their appearance on the screen, steps of the grandparents automatically turn to the hall, where the show is on. Both of them manage to get a seat next to the grand daughter and then its laughter and only laughter for next 30 minutes.

4^th November 2012

Double Trouble

Kodinji village, located in the picturesque  state of Kerala in India has something that is absolutely unique in this world. In this village of 2000 families, there are 230 twin siblings. For every 1000 births taking place in this village, some 45 are born as twins. This figure happens to be 6 folds more than the world average. The oldest twin pair from the village is 65 years old now. Rifa and Ritha, twin sisters born on 15 June 2009, are the youngest. There is a social organization for the twins, called ‘Kodinji Twins & Kins Association’(TAKA), in the village. According to this organization, 5 more women are likely to deliver twins in next few months.

In all over western world as well as in the Indian metros, the girls now tend to get married much later in their life, due to factors like their education and careers. Because of their advanced age, conceiving a child may sometimes become difficult. Such couples often tend to take help of fertility drugs or as a final resort may accept artificial insemination techniques. It has been found, that the girls undergoing such treatments, are likely to conceive twins. However, ‘Kodinji’ youth get married around age of 18 to 20 years and do not have to take any medical fertility help. Besides, their diet is also just normal. They do not consume excessive dairy products, which some people link to fertility. Another specialty of Kondiji twins is that there are very few identical twins here. Non-identical twins are conceived from different eggs at the same time. Identical twins are born, from division of an impregnated single egg. With Fertility drugs, induced twins are usually identical. 

Kodinji village that way, is an isolated place. Its people are not likely to be affected with bad effects of harmful drugs, chemicals or insecticides. Therefore, the real reasons for occurrence of ‘Kodinji’ twins remain unknown. Some people do think that it is due to some special property of drinking water here. However, this cannot be proved on any scientific basis.

Meanwhile, such large number of twins in such a small community does create many misunderstandings. The names of the twins are similar and they tend to dress in a similar fashion. This creates confusions even amongst parents and they find it difficult sometimes to tell who is sleeping and who is playing. Teachers in the school also face such predicaments. Obviously, in spite of all this, the twins do have their own preferences. If one likes cricket, other may prefer football.

Ajmer, a boy aged 12, is however unhappy with something else. He feels that the twins in the village share all the lime light and no one cares for single kids like him.

How Embarrassing?

There is this lady, with whom I am well acquainted. She must be in her fifties with her overall physique inclined towards slight chubbiness. Her kids now have grown up and are busy with their own life. Her approach towards life is very healthy and she tries to enjoy and derive maximum happiness from her life. She also is a member of a woman's club and attends their meetings regularly. She can meet there a few friends of her age group having common interests. The meetings of the group are very enjoyable for all the participants, as they can spend some of their spare time in the company of like minded friends and forget worries and tensions of daily life. This woman's group, decided few months back, to arrange a dance programme, with own members as participants. Surprisingly, the dance they selected for the performance, was the famous but hot dance from Maharashtra region of India, the Lavani dance.

Subsequently, most of the ladies of this group, started practicing for their dance performance. This lady, whom I know, also took part in the dance with great enthusiasm. On the fixed day, the dance performance was carried out in the presence of spouses, children and parents of all group members. The day was very enjoyable with everyone participating. This lady naturally enjoyed the event very much and returned home in a very happy mood. However her children, who had gone to see the dance performance, rather reluctantly in the first place, did not share her happiness and looked distinctly downcast. They were unhappy to see their mother dancing in this fashion and felt that it was most embarrassing moment for them. They told their mother point blank, that they did not approve her dancing and in future she should never take part in such dances again.

Recently a TV channel in England ,Twentieth Century Fox, carried out a survey in which they collected data from about 1500 British teenagers. I happened to see the report about the findings of this survey recently. While reading the conclusions of this survey, I suddenly remembered this lady and her children, as they and the surveyed British teenagers, had a striking similarity of views. 
 

Let us first see what the surveyed teenagers say! These British teenagers feel most embarrassed, when they have to watch their fathers dancing enthusiastically in family get-together or when the fathers publicly show off their affection and love towards the teenaged children. These teenagers also hate their mothers for telling, the same stale old jokes repeatedly, or for getting drunk. These teenager kids say with absolute conviction that if their parents continue to behave in this embarrassing fashion in future also, they would never introduce their girl or boy friends to the parents. 63% of the surveyed teenagers feel that they are more embarrassed with the behaviour of their fathers and they do not spend more than 3 or 4 hours in a week, talking to their parents. The time spent on social networking sites and mobile phones by these kids, is many times more than the time spent with their parents.

This survey had also covered the parents and they were asked a different set of questions. Some of the answers given by the parents appear to be very revealing about how their minds are working. Many of the parents are so desperate to have a good impression on their kids that six out of ten parents bluff to their kids that they were hippies or punks or mods during their youth. Many of the parents bluff to their kids that they used to attend regularly 'stage shows of music groups like 'Beatels'.

Jenni Trent Hughesm is a social scientist from Britain, who is carrying out research about relationships, says that teenager kids usually find out the truth about their parents and feel so embarrassed that they prefer to spend their spare time in their own bed room alone instead of talking to the family. When parents bluff to the kids, at the first instant they believe in, and then try to boast to their friends about it. These friends mention this to their parents, where it is immediately found out to be a bluff. Later when the kids find out that their parents were trying to lie to them, they start loosing confidence in their parents.

This survey has clearly shown that the basic human nature remains same in spite of place, race or time. When a parent, who was a border line student and just about managed to pass his examinations, tries to bluff that he was always a topper in his class or a parent, who had never willingly set foot on a playground, tries to convince his kids that he was always a champion, his bluffs never stand true for long and are immediately found out to be lies. According to me, a person telling these kind of lies to the kids is an absolute idiot and need not be given any further thought. He would probably get, what he deserves from his kids.

However, when children feel embarrassed with their parents, because of some triviality, like father dancing during family reunions or mother telling stale old jokes repeatedly, one needs to find out the real cause or reason of this embarrassment. I think that the reason for which kids feel embarrassed in such trivial cases, is quite different. To start with, most of the teenagers look at their parents as sort of a role models, whom they must follow. When they find that their parents are indulging in some trivial activities, which does not match with the attributes of the role models they have in their minds, they start feeling that after all, their role models have only feet of clay. Many of the kids are not able to adjust to this fact and have a mental conflict which makes them lonely and aloof.

Some of the parents of teenaged kids or older children, whom I know, appear to be making a deliberate effort in this regard. In Indian societies, social drinking is considered a taboo. Many parents stop social drinking in India, when their children grow up. Some mothers or mothers-in law too stop wearing jazzy fashionable clothes and switch over to sober kind of a dresses, when they have a daughter-in-law in the family or when their daughter grows up.

If the parents, whose children have grown up, start keeping a distance from the kids, their kids would never feel strange towards them or feel embarrassed. If this does not happen and the kids form some kind of conviction about the parents once, they are only likely to move away from the parents mentally if not physically. Also there is a natural feeling with grown up kids that their parents should now move back and vacate the center stage for them. However if kids continue to feel that parents are sidetracking them and are still trying to hog the lime light, they resent it and move away from parents to create their own world with the friends.

In traditional Indian societies, Seniors or elders in the family were always considered as the ultimate authority and each and every thing was done after informing them and after having taken their permission. These elderly persons also normally behaved, possibly because of their age, in a way, which made younger members of the family pay respect to them and solicit their advice. This social system is now out dated and no longer prevalent. The parents in a nuclear family of now, therefore also have to substitute for the role of the traditional elderly to some extent. This means that such parents should learn to keep a distance between them and the teenaged kids. In fact, the parents have to become friends, philosophers and guides for the kids and not their pals. This would ensure that kids are no longer embarrassed with the parents and have no reason to resent or keep aloof from them.

30 May 2012

Magnificent MacRitchie

There are some places in Singapore, where a normal tourist is not seen. This may be due to ignorance on his part or lack of time. One such place, which I like most is the MacRitchie Reservoir.

 

A need of the times

Last Sunday, we had gone to a restaurant for lunch. This place specializes in serving dishes of Italian origin like Pasta and Pizza. The restaurant was jam packed. Because of the school holidays, the place was full of boys and girls of all ages. With great difficulty we managed to secure a table for us. My granddaughter (age 5) was sitting next to me. There were ethnic Chinese kids sitting around a table just next to us. They were laughing and chatting presumable in Mandarin. (This is only an educated guess, as I did not understand a word of what they were saying ) Suddenly I realized that my granddaughter was frowning. It was obvious that she had some disapproval on her mind. She told her mother something and her mother looked at the kids from the side table angrily and murmured something. The kids became silent for few moments before continuing their chatter once again. After we finished our meal, I asked my granddaughter about why she was angry? She told me that those boys had used some words, which according to my granddaughter's teacher, were not to be used publicly. Since I do not know a word of Mandarin, I was not able to understand anything at all.

A Relaxed Morning at East Coast Park

When I get up in the morning, I usually open the bedroom window and look outside. This morning, looking outside, I found very little traffic on the road below. This must have been because of the holiday today, I thought. The sky was overcast and there was nice cool breeze blowing. It was surely a lovely day to go out, I thought again. Everybody else in the house must have had similar thoughts because a plan was envisaged almost immediately, to go and have a ‘Brunch’ morning at the East Coast Park.

Height of Stupidity

If someone tells you that he wants to ride his motor bike on the palms of your young children, when they are lying down on the ground, with their hands spread out, what would you do? I would surely kick the idiot, out of my house. However, Mr.Ramanujan, Head master since December 2008, of a primary school, in the village of Keezhperumpakkam, from Vilupuram district of Tamil Nadu , probably considers it as an act of bravery. Presumably, when the children in the act are not his own.

Primary schools in Tamil Nadu, are supposed to celebrate, completion of 100 years to the birth of an ex-chief minister, Mr.Kamraj. As part of this celebration, Mr Ramanujan had organized this show of Bravado. After few initial karate demonstrations, kids from standard one to five were asked to lie down on their stomachs in a row, with hands stretched out. A person riding a big Motor Cycle, rode on the outstretched palms of these young kids. As if this was not enough, a young girl was then asked to lie down on her back. A plank was placed across her body and the same motor cycle guy rode it over her body.